Recollection

By Taleya

Chapter Fifteen

Silence fell across the kitchen like a thick blanket. Even the House Elves stopped in their work, motions petering to stillness, large frightened eyes staring at him.

Then sound came flooding back.

"Oh, Harry," Hermione said softly. "How could you?"

“Well….I’m sure you had your reasons…” Ron started awkwardly.

“Oh yes,” Harry spat. “And that makes it all right. The bastard who fucked off isn’t a bastard if he’s Harry Potter, is he? Honestly Ron you’re so...BLIND.” He was standing now, and shouting, and he didn’t give a damn.  Self-disgust and anger boiled inside him, a huge pent up fury begging to be released. “I think you’d forgive me if I was Lord Voldemort. Anything’s All Right if Harry does it, is that it?”

"Well what the hell do you want me to say, Harry?" Ron blazed back. "You want me to tell you that knocking someone up then pissing off is a shitty thing to do? Because that's what I think. I think anyone who'd abandon their own CHILD is a piece of shit bastard who - " his fist whirled around automatically and Harry made no move to avoid it.

Neville caught it in his own, arm trembling with the effort. "Ron," he said in a low voice.  "No."

And that was enough for Weasley to get his control back, to stop himself, to take a deep breath then continue softly, with effort.  "You're not like that, Harry. I know you. I'm trying to understand." He reached out, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Help me understand."

Two other hands joined Ron's.  "Tell us Harry, please." Hermione whispered.

"You're here. That means you're trying, that counts for something. Please Harry…" Neville's deep voice joined the others.

He'd expected to hurt. He'd wanted to hurt. To be punished. He'd counted on their anger, not on this awful, crippling kindness.

"I-I didn't know…" he stuttered, like a child.  "He never….I didn't…I didn’t KNOW!" He was crying again, it seemed that was all he did lately, as if he was drowning in an ocean of sorrow.  The blame was his, laid on him by accusing hand after accusing hand. It crushed him, burned him, trapped him in a mental torment so huge he needed something physical to let it bleed, to let it come out with the blood.

"I would have….I would have been there…but I didn't know…it went bad…it went so bad so fast….."

The story poured out of him - no, ripped, huge chunks of his soul being torn away.  He had had it all, then the fates had torn it from him in a single day, what should have been the most glorious day of his life.

**

The battle was over.

Voldemort, the Dark Lord, You-know-who was finally gone.

Corpses of death-eaters scattered the ground, some dead by the hands of the side of light, others by the hand of their own Lord, who had little cared who had been in the way of his curses and magics as he had unleashed the powers of hell.

Ron sat on the ground in shock, leaning back against Dumbledore's supporting body, staring stupidly at the ruined mess of his hand.  Remus crouched beside him, wand out, muttering frantically under his breath to do what he could.  Sirius staggered up and sank down beside them, Hermione cradled in his arms.   She had taken a bad blow to the head, but was conscious, a shaking hand reaching up to touch the bloody gash left from white-hot shards of exploded rock.

Harry and Snape….

Were having a screaming row.  It had started early on, when Harry had sent their carefully planned strategy to hell, running into the open, invisibility cloak left streaming in the wind behind him the instant it became apparent that Voldemort wasn't planning his standard humiliation of Snape, but this time intended to outright kill him.

The distraction had blown their plans to hell, and saved the life of one Severus Snape - who had immediately leapt to his feet, wand out and blasting, screaming at Harry for being such a fucking idiot.

And it was still going.

Smoke-stenched and bloodied, swaying on their feet, they shouted at each other, bare inches apart, oblivious to all else.  "You stupid little shit! You nearly got yourself killed!"

"ME? What about you! You goddamn stubborn son of a bitch, do you think Voldemort was going to give you a kiss?  HE WAS GOING TO KILL YOU!" Reaction set in and he started to shake. "He would have killed you. You would be dead…"

Snape reached out and grabbed him by the arm, apparating them straight to his dungeons. The wards around Hogwarts were useless now, all but shattered by Voldemort's final attack, striking right at the heart of the biggest threat to him.

As soon as they were formed, he grabbed hold of the other man, tightly, wrapping him in his arms, feeling him shake and jerk in his embrace.  Harry was breaking down, shaking uncontrollably.  Truth be told he didn’t feel that steady himself, the aftermath of the battle hitting them both hard, taking comfort from the warm body in his arms, rubbing his hands up and down the other man's back. "Let it out…shh…let it out…." It was over. Merlin, it was over, the spying, the humiliation, the back-stabbing the double play, the masks were shattered, the terror was gone. It was over, finally over.

"You would have died…" Harry murmured, over and over. "He would have killed you.. he would have killed you…" he pushed himself free. "You wanted me to let….you wanted me to let him kill you!" hysteria pushed his voice higher and louder. "You wanted me to! Why? Why do you do this? Why are you a martyr? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT OTHERS BEFORE YOUR OWN LIFE??”  The desperate shout faded, leaving behind a scared young man. "Why do you always treat your life like it's nothing?"

Anger flashed in Snape's eyes, then he lunged forwards, grabbing Harry by the collar. "Because it is nothing," he hissed, tears fighting in his eyes. "You stupid, stupid boy, have you learned nothing? This wasn't a game! The heroes don't always win and trot off for a laugh afterwards! This was war. What is one life compared to the hundreds he has taken? What is it to the millions he would have taken if he had won? Do you want me to tell you what life would have been if he had won from your stupid childish stunt? It isn't pretty, it isn't nice it's full of blood, and pain and death."  He released Harry's collar and shoved him aside, face turned to the fire, anger fading to a low, deathly tone. "I lived through that once and I swore if it took my life to end it then it was a small price to pay.  And then there's you, our greatest chance, and you damn near threw it away for a fuck."

"A fuck."  The words left a bitter taste in Harry's mouth. That was all they were. A fuck. Not even lovers, that insinuated so much more. Just. A. Fuck.

Just.

A.

Fuck…..
 

Their coupling was fierce, almost savage.  None of the usual slow, sometimes playful they both enjoyed, this was brutal, angry.  No kisses, no gentle strokes, Harry tore at his robes, ripping them away, almost throwing the taller man onto the bed in a tangle of limbs.

No finesse, no love as Harry wrenched off his belt, shoving his pants to the floor. This wasn't even sex, this was fucking, raw fucking, anger, fear, and a desperation he couldn't even name driving him as he pounded into the man underneath him, shoving Severus' face deep into the mattress, hands gripping thin hips tight enough to bruise, nails drawing blood.

And when he climaxed it was bitter acid, leaving him to collapse across the other man's back.

It was then he realised that throughout it the other man hadn't responded. Hadn't ever reacted, hadn't made a sound. It was like fucking a corpse.  No, it was worse, it was like…

Harry stumbled back from the bed in horror.  He tripped over his pants, still puddled about his ankles and landed on his backside, scuttling backwards, hands and feet scudding at the floor.

Snape slowly pushed himself up, then sat gingerly on the edge of the bed, oblivious to the stains on the covers, pulling his robes around him once more with an almost painful dignity.  "Feel better now?"

The words cut right through him, mind gibbering with horror. "oh god sev," he whimpered. "oh god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have - oh god" he crawled forwards on hands and knees, reaching out one hand. "I hurt you.."

Puzzlement flickered in those black depths, then realisation.

And Severus' eyes turned to ice.

"Powerful as you are as a wizard, I've never needed to lick the boots of the boy who lived," he said slowly, carefully. "Even if you had tried there would be no way you would be able to rape -"

And then that word was out in the air.

And it was the wrong one.

"What…What is this?" the horror fled in the face of anger, shame transmuting to fury. "Is this some fucking game? Is that what this is to you? You let me…" the anger built up. He was angry at  Severus, he was angry at Voldemort, he was angry at the entire fucking world.    Let became made, like some misogynistic muggle judge accusing the accuser of leading the rapist on. "You made me damn near rape you…What is this, a game? Just a stupid game? That's all it ever was, isn't it?" Betrayal fed the anger, he wasn't thinking straight and he was too damn mad to care.

"I'm not playing any more. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of you."   He shoved himself to his feet, jerking up his pants. "I don't know what the hell I thought this could be, but I know what it was." He hurt, oh he hurt, and he wanted Severus to hurt, he wanted him to cry, to ache, he wanted him to feel this, he wanted him to hurt. "It was just a fuck. Get that, SNAPE? Just. A. Fuck.  Your words, remember? And I don't need that any more.  I'm beyond childish crushes and idiot games. Go find some other child to rape."

A hand slammed against his face, stained fingers curled into a fist.  His vision rocked to one side, a nightmarish slanted view of Snape's dark rooms, his trollish little dungeons. His little hole he hid away in like some foul spider.

Harry tasted blood and wiped the stain away from the corner of his mouth. He stared at it for a moment, so bright against his skin.  "I should make you pay for that," he said softly.  "But I won't. You're not even worth the effort."

Pain drew Snape's fine eyebrows together. "Harry…" he said softly, almost beggingly.

A harsh laugh seared the air. He had gone too far now, too far for redemption. There was no hope for reconciliation, no way to go back where they had been. Nothing. He was out of control, couldn't stop, tearing himself apart and completely unable to prevent it. And he was going to make it hurt, make it final, make sure they both knew it. "You are nothing to me."

And finally, hope died in those black eyes.

"Get out." Long narrow fingers clutched at the edge of his robes, drawing them closer about him in a protective shield.  When Harry didn't move, the soft voice became a shout, a scream on the edge of insanity. "GET OUT!"

Harry smirked, and went.

**

He never saw the punch coming.

"Oh Neville," Hermione pinched the bridge of her nose between two fingers as Ron helped Harry back up on his feet.  The Auror shifted his jaw gingerly. Damn Longbottom packed one hell of a punch.

"Sorry Harry," Neville said sheepishly, rubbing a thumb over the knuckles of his right hand. "But you deserved that."

"no...it's ok..." Surprisingly, he did feel better.

"Now the two of you have got that out of your systems can we please sit down and try and act like adults?"  Hermione shook her robes back from her wrists and settled down on the seat again, folding her hands on the table before her. "You fucked up, Harry," she said bluntly, the crude word holding all the more impact coming from her. "In a big way. But at least you know that, and you're willing to try to make it better." She closed her eyes, fingertips rubbing against her forehead, then took her hand away and stared at the Auror. "You are such an idiot, do you know that Harry? You let your emotions get out of control just like you did at school, and now look what's happened." her gentle reproach was worse than any condemnation from heaven.  She knew he was already paying for his actions, the despair in his eyes and burdens hunching his shoulders were testament to that. He didn't need to be told he was a bad boy, he needed help, he needed support - he needed a solution!  "Now we have to work out a way to make this all right again...If we even can…"

Harry sat back, stunned.  It was that easy?  No, it wasn't, it couldn't be….

…could it?

Someone else was taking charge, taking all the hard decisions out of his hands…he didn't have to think. Didn't have to deal with it.  He felt the heavy, awful guilt he'd been carrying since he found he was a father lessen a little. It was someone else's burden now...and all he felt was an overwhelming sense of relief.  Don't face the consequences, let someone else deal with it. Just follow orders... He felt a slow, dangerous stupor settle over him.

And he didn't care.

"That was a well wicked right hook there…"

"Shut up, Ron."

A roar like a dragon with its tail caught in a slicebill’s nest ripped through the air. All about the castle owls, ravens, and various other winged creatures took to the air in sheer fright.

Not that it helped as a huge motorcycle gradually fell down through the jumbled mass of squawking frantic featherballs to touch the ground.  Neither of its riders bothered to get off, the man in front simply rode it straight up the stairs and into the main hall.

Dumbledore had heard the racket long before the bike even touched ground and was waiting for them.  Ahh, Black and Lupin. No doubt Filch would be furious at the state of the floors, but that was neither here nor there.

Remus was off the back of the bike before it even stopped, stumbling a little. “Albus,” he panted. “We got your owl! What happened, is she all right? Was she hurt? Did they - ”

Dumbledore caught the frantic man in his arms and tried to calm him. "Remus, Remus, Araminta is returned, safe and unharmed, " he said serenely.  Lupin calmed a little at that, but not much.

"And Severus?" he asked anxiously.

" - is on the mend." Dumbledore finished soothingly.  Poor Remus.  He always did get so concerned when one of his friends was ill or injured.  He remembered vividly one Quidditch match where a Slytherin player had "mistaken" James Potter's head for a bludger and sent him off to the infirmary with a nasty head wound. Young Lupin had been beside himself the entire time until the other boy had woken up.  And indeed, Remus and Severus had grown to be friends - he'd watched with great pleasure as it had slowly evolved, glad that the potions master had allowed someone to become close to him.

Remus let out a sigh of relief, his entire body sagging. "Oh thank merlin," he whispered, swaying a little in place. "Where are they - I need to…" he trailed off, unable to finish.

Albus knew what it was he needed.  It was the same urge that had sent a little parade of staff and student's alike to the infirmary - where most of them had been turned away by an increasingly irate Poppy.  The need to see for themselves that the youngest member of their jumbled and muddled family had been returned, safe and sound, and also that Snape was awake, alive, not the horribly pale and broken form that was etched indelibly in their minds.  The need to see that their little world was in fact turning back to normal.

The headmaster smiled and gently squeezed the other man's hands. "They're in the infirmary. Poppy isn't allowing visitors, but I do believe she will make an exception for you…" he laughed softly as Remus bolted hurriedly up the stairs.  It would do the young wizard a great deal of good to see the little girl who called him 'remuu' again.

"Sirius…" he beckoned the other wizard aside as he made to follow. "A word in your ear, please…."

"Oh fuck," Sirius said hoarsely, "Harry's her father isn't he?"

Dumbledore's eyes widened. The pair were safely tucked up in the headmaster's office, and he was trying his best to circumspectly warn the animagus of what would most likely be an explosive piece of news from his godson. "I didn't say that…"

Unfortunately, while Sirius was impulsive, rash, and loyal to the point of near blindness….he was also an extremely intelligent man, and it didn’t take the brightest of minds to put two and two together in the face of Dumbledore’s fumbling speech and get four.  "You didn't have to….fuck! You should have told me, Albus. Scratch that, HARRY should have told me - "

"Harry didn't know. And you know the results of the Paternity charm had to be kept in the strictest secrecy. " Dumbledore put a restraining hand on the other man's shoulder.  "I know this must come as a shock, Sirius, but please, think before acting.  I know Severus and you haven't the best history, but there is so much more at stake here…"

Black shook off his hand and stared at him. "You think I'm worried about a grudge? I'm not worried about the bloody grudge, Albus!" he sprang to his feet, pacing the carpet. "This is bad Albus, this is very bad, at the very least you should have told Remus!"

Dumbledore blinked, mental processes stuttering to a halt in sheer bewilderment. "Remus? Lupin? Why Remus?"

"BECAUSE HE'S BLOODY WELL SHAGGING SNAPE!" Sirius howled.

Dumbledore paled.  "But I sent Harry to the infirmary…."

Sirius' eyes bulged in a way that would have almost been comical in other circumstances. Wrenching the door open, he hit the stairs running, sliding and almost falling on his butt before pounding down the gently revolving steps.

Dumbledore swore for the first time in eighty years.  Last time had been when a particularly complex potion regarding Dragon’s Blood had reacted rather spectacularly in a fireball that had removed his beard, his eyebrows, and large portion of his workroom.  And even then the expletive had been a rather strangled hiss through the whimpers as he’d danced around trying to put out the flames.

“Oh…oh…oh…SHIT!” He stopped, eyes wide and hastily looked around. No one had heard, good.  He wrung the end of his beard in his hands.  There was very little he was not aware of in the school, but why oh why did THIS particular thing have to have escaped his notice?  He’d merely thought that Lupin and Snape had been developing the close friendship that had been cruelly nipped at the bud during that incident so many years ago at the Shrieking Shack.  He hadn’t realised they had moved on further!

And he’d sent Harry to the infirmary, bolstered with hopes that there might be a way to….

Albus swore for the second time in five minutes and pelted after Sirius.
 

Chapter Sixteen -->

All Content Copyright © 2001 Taleya Joinson
Last modified: November 12, 2010